When coming to bible college, I began to think that I must leave this all behind. I must grow up, become a new man, and do exactly what the school/bible had to say. After 2 years of this, I am getting to a place where I know more about the "Bible" and "Ministry" than I seem to know about myself. Looking for who I am has been my goal for this semester. I have gotten to a place in which what I am learning is conflicting with who I am. At our school we learn about ministry and how to love others. Our slogan is "Advancing God's Kingdom". The funny thing about this is that since I have been at school, I have learned numerous things about how to do this, but have never actually done it. We have missions trips, outreaches, tons of things that seem like they are accomplishing things, but to me they do not. Call me a pessimist or whatever you like, frankly I really do not care.
Today it was late, around 12 AM, I was bored but not tired, so I decided to go for a drive. Passing through San Dimas was an interesting thing. I was thinking about how this is the city I call home, and yet I do not know more than 10 people that are actually from here. I eventually arrived in La Verne, and went to a Circle K. It was shady and there were college students inside. I wanted to meet them but did not because I had no idea how they would react. I then found my way to Wal-Mart. At Wal-Mart I traveled to the electronics section to browse, knowing I would buy nothing. I saw a man, he had a hat, long goatee, a dirty shirt, cheap blue jeans, and worn white Nike's. He was looking at cheap cell phones to buy. I began to think about how as humans we get caught up in things that entertain us. The phone was about 20 bucks, and for some reason, everything inside me was telling me to buy the phone for this shabby looking dude. I sort of followed him around, studying him. I wanted to badly to talk to him, see what his life was like, lead him to God maybe, or invite him to church. I then began to think about how I did not have a place to invite him to. A place in which I feel as if he would be safe, because people that looked like him are often denied by "the church". Never in my life have I wanted to be a senior pastor as much as I did at that moment.
At times I wish I could say forget it all. Forget all the plans, the rules, the trips, the cars, the ties, the clothes, the books, the notes, the teachers, the administration, the police, the government, the money, and just love. Just love people in a way that has no rules, no bounds, no worthless guide on how to "outreach". What if I were free again like I once was, not to do what I liked, but to do what God wanted. What if I had a church in which people like this man could come and find freedom. What if people were reached not because they live in a certain poverty area, but because they were being themselves in Wal-Mart. What if we were to stop driving to other cities, but just went for walks within our own. What if we did homework at Starbucks, got to know people, and invited them to God. What if we stepped into a freedom in which what we learn about God, meets people that are desperate for him.
At this time, this is my prayer. As it is 2:20AM, I am still not convinced what I am to do. Something about me wants to go and scream to people about God. I know that it is important to continue my education. But, sitting around while I do so, cannot be enough. I feel as if there is so much more people can do. So much love that goes wasted in our hearts. This is my heart. Say what you would like. I just want people to see God, not through our knowledge, our commitment, our hard work, but through his LOVE.