Year

As I near the final week of my second semester here at school, there are many things that have changed within my mind, my life, and my actions. I know that things change, I know this better than most, but I might have never guessed that my life would look as it does now. I have found myself challenging so much of what I do within my life, that I am not sure what exactly it is that I am doing. I feel as if I have lost the drive to do many things, for I feel as if they are not me. Church has lost its meaning, other than my relationship with youth and other Christians, when I attend most churches I am disgusted with the amount of nonsense that happens, and by the amount of fake people that I meet.

My father told me to never conform to what they try to make you at bible college. He himself experienced this forced sense of conformity, he learned from this mistake, and passed the warning on to me. I feel as if the last year or two have been ones in which I have 'accidentally' conformed. This is upsetting to me. Now, I will try and decide to make a stand, step out of this religious mold, and step into a life that is actually focused on the teaching of Jesus and relationship with the people of the world.

The repercussion from this is that I may not stay in this place, I feel as if my education is very important, but the administration at this school is extremely lousy. The teachers hold this school together, and if it was not for that, I would be gone. If I decide to stay here, I am not sure that I will stay in 'ministry'. The world to me is a vast place and I feel that financially I need to be more secure to personally be successful. This personal success/decision may lead me to a different, or lucrative career in which I would be able to minister, with providing for my (future) family, and not struggling with the overbearing sacrifice of being a poor minister (which I believe is one of the worst mistakes the church makes).